Boundaries, Boundaries, and more BOUNDARIES

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned in life that pertains to nearly all areas of life: setting boundaries can be the hardest, yet most rewarding tool.

In my 4/27/2021 Chat, linked below, I talk a bit about what it is like as a person who’s put boundary-setting into practice for years and yet, still comes across instances in which I have to navigate the best way to set a boundary.

When we receive coaching through an employer or school, it’s not likely we have much choice on who our coach is or what material said coach works from on a regular basis. Despite this hiccup, we can still choose to clearly state our boundaries, reinforce them if they’re being unknowingly (or knowingly) crossed, and then take further action as needed.

This doesn’t mean the coach or trainer has ill intent. It doesn’t mean they aren’t going to be able to teach us methods that will be impactful to forward progress. What it does mean is that you are likely going to be operating within a framework that makes you feel unsafe or unheard. Which, in turn, hampers your ability to relate to the potential of progress in other areas.

Sure, some therapists/coaches/trainers might see this as you setting “ridiculous” or “arbitrary” restrictions. I challenge you to think of it this way: what your coach/therapist/trainer thinks about your boundaries isn’t your business. YOU know what language or practice is harmful to you. YOU know what language or practice invalidates your lived experience. There’s a very real difference in avoiding being “triggered” (often seen as being overly sensitive or needing to work specifically on an underlying cause for said “trigger”) and being put in a position that reinforces your othering.

If it becomes clear that the person you’re working with isn’t willing to respect your boundaries, it’s important for you to make a decision on how to proceed. Do you tell your employer/school admin that the person working with you isn’t a good fit and why they aren’t a good fit? Do you explain that you’re open to the lessons/coaching they’re trying to give but not at the detriment of your own mental/emotional/physical well being?

I’d love to hear from you on a time when you set a boundary like this. Did you have to reinforce or restate the boundary after the initial discussion? Did the person seem earnest in trying to respect said boundary? Did the person appear to laugh it off, make light of it, or disrespect that boundary? If so, what did you do?