Full Disclosure
I’ve struggled a bit with figuring out how to write this blog/journal entry and keep it concise. Those who know me well know that I love to use the phrase “long story short” immediately before launching into a lengthy story. Let’s try to avoid that one here, eh?
About three weeks ago, my PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) and PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) collided with life events and this pandemic to create what I can only refer to as a manic episode of sorts. I woke up one day and decided that I was going to sell all of my belongings, buy an RV, and travel full-time. While that’s a lovely idea, I literally became consumed with it.
I began planning how I’d get rid of all my belongings that fill a 2-bdrm apartment. I bought a harness and leash for Moon Pie (my cat, in case you haven’t seen us on IG) so I could begin adjusting him to road life. I gave away a large majority of the personal library I’ve been cultivating for decades. I followed every blog and social media account for #RVLife that I could find and began researching renovation ideas for an RV I had yet to find/buy. I told everyone around me what my plan was: “15 months from now, I’m going to be living in an RV, working remotely, and traveling full-time.” Y’all, I even sat down to have this conversation with my boss. My boss. Because yes, I have a day job to pay my bills.
It became so all-consuming that I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t breathe without thinking about or talking about my RV plans. I was so excited at the idea of taking to the road to put my plans into action for PSPU (Plus Size Power Up) and to begin consulting with brick-and-mortar locations on fat accessibility. I was also anxious. Not just a little anxious, but full-blown crippling anxiety overwhelmed me. I spent a weekend unable to sleep and sick to my stomach with crippling anxiety.
Then it hit me. Not only did my period start and my brain cleared of all these emotions as if I’d just woken from a really trippy dream that had turned into a nightmare, but my training kicked in. For those of you that haven’t heard me speak about it before, I am a big believer in radical authenticity. This includes assessing ourselves and being honest with where we are, what we are capable of, and what pushes us in a negative light as opposed to what positively motivates us. Combine that with therapy and an exorbitant amount of research, and you get what I refer to when I talk about training.
My training kicked in and I instantly realized I’d gone to an extreme that wasn’t suitable for my mental, emotional, or physical health. I was planning for a life that, while sure to be exciting, wasn’t practical for what’s best for me. The physical hurdles of pairing down all my belongings and moving into a micro-space RV were one thing. The practice of actually living on the road 24/7/365 was another. Am I capable of it? Sure. I can do anything I set my mind to. So can you. Is it something that requires not only massive change but a different mindset and approach to life? Yep. You betcha. There’s so much to it and it turns out when put into spreadsheets, the financial, emotional, mental, and physical expense for me personally makes it a nonviable option.
So I had to break it to everyone I’d told that I wouldn’t, in fact, be traveling 24/7 in an RV. Will I be traveling more often for PSPU and to visit family? Yes. Will I need to be able to work quite a bit more remotely? Yes. Am I still going to train Moon Pie to wear a harness and walk on a leash? Yeah. Haha.
But I’m going to do all these things in a way that has a more realistic approach. Reach for the stars, but maybe build yourself a rocket and a breathing apparatus for the trip, yeah?
I’m telling you all this because I think it’s important to note a couple of things:
It’s absolutely fun and exciting to have big plans for change
Anxiety about big changes can be healthy, but it can also be a sign that you’re doing too much, too fast
We should not be ashamed to speak our goals/plans into the universe.
We should not be embarrassed to admit when we’ve changed our minds upon further research and/or introspection
Sometimes over-reaching brings into focus the very real and actionable items that can be put into place
Most importantly, it reiterates how important it is to be able to revert to our healthful training tactics.
Self-assessment is important. It’s vital for growth and it’s a good way to keep ourselves humble while still reaching for the stars. Could I have glossed over this “moment” in my life and hidden it from followers/readers? Sure. Would hiding it make me seem more “put together” or “perfect”? Maybe. Probably. That isn’t me, though. Radical authenticity to me means honesty and owning my imperfections: my innate humanity. It means showing the world an unfiltered version of myself in hopes that it resonates with others. Hoping that others will feel seen. Hoping others will, in turn, be radically authentic and help effect change so we aren’t seeing a completely filtered and “perfect” version of everyone on our social media or via in-person interactions.
The more we’re willing to be flawed, learn from our hiccups, and move forward with a new understanding… the better it is for everyone. If you’re with me, let me know in the comments below. I’d love to hear from y’all on this topic!