Thoughts
It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’ve been working on some mental health hurdles, to put it mildly, and battling constant shadowban on IG and on-off shadowban on TikTok. Needless to say, my energies have been too low to show up in this space lately. That being said, I’ve found myself overflowing with reactions, thoughts, opinions, and a desire to learn regarding a recent “happening” in the fat community and I’d like to share my take.
Before I get into my ramblings, I’d like to state that my name is Sara Jo, my pronouns are she/they, I am a queer super-fat homebody with social anxiety, despite how much I enjoy being around my fellow fat friends.
Okay. If you aren’t aware of the recent NAAFA post regarding a proposed, but now-canceled, NAAFA event, I’ll link here to NAAFA’s page on this issue. In short, a post was made announcing an event and that post triggered a reaction by many in the community, demanding an apology, cancellation of the event, and a reassessment of the language being used by NAAFA and/or its representatives. The backlash created a backlash of its own and there are some differing opinions within the community. If you’ve been part of the fat community (via organizations or just as an unorganized and unofficial collective) for long, you’ll know that this isn’t all that uncommon. Disagreements on HOW, WHEN, WHERE, WHAT, etc. are all-too-common as fat people are not a monolith and we aren’t all in the same place on our journey… or even on the same journey.
NAAFA responded to the backlash by creating a Restoractive Practices workshop to discuss, learn, and grow. I attended with the intent of just observing and learning. For once, I had no intention of adding my opinion. That didn’t last long as I felt I wasn’t hearing a representation of my own feelings or the feelings that had been expressed to me directly or in the comment sections of NAAFA’s posts. If you know me, you know I don’t like being misrepresented or entirely unheard. I was tired (because 9PM EST is past my bedtime and I intentionally tried to stay awake for this event) and because I hadn’t planned on having to speak up, I don’t feel I did my thoughts or arguments much justice. I do hope I was respectful of those who attended as it felt like those in attendance were all trying to offer the same respect while also being heard.
I learned a few things, got perspectives I didn’t have prior to attending the event and felt like I needed more time to not only work through my own thoughts internally, but also to hear from more people with varying perspectives. I do hope NAAFA holds more workshops like these and that more voices choose to speak, listen, and learn. I think it would be helpful on an individual as well as community level.
This morning as I was getting ready, my thoughts were feeling a bit like jello: more solid than the gaseous or liquid thoughts from the previous night, but not yet solid… so I wanted to speak them into existence. The “video” below is just that. I was unclothed and getting ready for work so there’s not much actual visual other than the close-up of my countertop, but I hope the words spoken provide a more defined perspective than what I was able to offer NAAFA and the participants last night. As they are early-morning thoughts, just forming into jello, I do hope the language that is used is not offensive or harmful to anyone. That is certainly not my intent and I am eager to learn how I can be more inclusive via language and thought so please do not hesitate to contact me directly or in the comments below. I want for there to be room for all of us seeking a home for fat activism and representation.
Takeaways from the NAAFA restorative event and my talks with others:
LGBTQIA+ folks looking to reclaim language that either was previously harmful to us and/or has been USED within the LGBTQ community in a different way than from outside it deserve to be heard and validated.
Fat folks within the feederism community deserve to be heard and not left feeling closeted within the broader fat community.
Straight-sized folks that are attracted to fat humans DO need to have education on how to put fat activism as a priority OVER attraction so that they are allies rather than inadvertently objectifying or victimizing fat folks they choose to engage with.
Fat folks who have been victimized by straight-sized individuals co-opting language (ie. Fat Admirer, Chubby Chaser, BBW lover, “attracted to fat people”), whether intentionally or just by happenstance, deserve to be heard and validated in the community without fear of their victimizer/abuser silencing them further, pushing them out, or pitting other fat folks against them.
SO many fat women have shared stories about being objectified, abused, and gaslit by straight-sized men on the basis of body size that it seems almost absurd not to center some of these voices for panels, workshops, seminars, etc… We, as a community, owe it to ourselves and future community members to do a much better job at highlighting the bad-faith behaviors that shouldn’t be finding safe haven in our community by coopting our language and wielding connections as a weapon
While the vast majority of comments under the original IG thread seemed to be from these types of individuals, I felt like I may have been the only one with this opinion to be speaking up in the main group. I wasn’t part of each breakaway group so I cannot attest to what was being said in them, but it appears that some folks let the hosts know they didn’t feel safe to express these feelings/opinions when the workshop seemed dominated by those in the Feederism community. I can understand this sentiment as someone who has not only spoken out in the past but has watched others speaking out and how the community, on the whole, reacts to it.
The nuances of these discussions are deep and it requires a population willing to listen to a multitude of perspectives while also finding the courage to speak for themselves. Of course, the aim here would be to listen to learn rather than listening to respond.
Perhaps having a site/page where the multitudes of definitions can be found. A brief explanation of a term often used within the community, who typically uses that terminology, context for where it may be used, and alternative meanings? For example: BBW is often seen today by many to be an overtly sexualized term, whereas when I was growing up it was the ONLY term that was openly used for women who weren’t thin. So while some may get icky feelings when the term is used, others simply aren’t aware or don’t feel a negative connotation when hearing the term. Providing a nuanced explanation, a brief history, and the like may just be helpful to folks looking to better understand terms that fly around. I mean… we’re still trying to educate folks on the difference between a belly or apron and the FUPA. Right?
An organization such as NAAFA has an opportunity to bring more people IN rather than distancing them if we have more nuanced conversations wherein people are not only HEARD but validated.
Also: maybe it’s just that SO many of us women are sick and tired of men having platforms or microphones to create podcasts and TikTok videos to further perpetuate toxic masculinity, fatphobia, sexism, racism, healthism, etc. To the men that don’t meet these criteria, I am sad that you get lumped in here. It’ Let’s be real… most of us are fed all the fucking way up with it so we get triggered seeing someone who DOESN’T represent us speaking as an authority or educator on a topic that GREATLY IMPACTS US.
We all just want representation, right?
Again, I welcome feedback.